Roy Martin Ministries

We Made It – Month 1!

We did it! Isn’t it exciting? Together we went through some difficult times, but we went through it. This is the key: WE WENT THROUGH IT. There might be some of you who stopped off and had a moment of relapse, but welcome back and you’re given a chance to continue along the road. Not begin again, but continue. There is a difference.

I’ve taken this time to share with you some rough times I had during this month. Although I have been clean and sober for quite awhile, perhaps the Lord allowed me to experience some moments I thought were past and never to be conjured again, for your benefit and for mine, to help me remember what it’s like to have those urges and to struggle. Several moments I was afraid but, He always came through with a plan just as He said He would, “making a way of escape” for you and I.

Next month promises more of the same. The only difference, it’s a shorter month, so either the evil one will concentrate his efforts stronger given the shorter period of time or we’ll go through it as planned by our Father with His timing and help. The one thing I want to have established here is we “don’t give up” even when we have given up! Okay? Now, onto the next month. Enjoy this achievement.

It’s never easy overcoming the habit.

It’s not supposed to be.

So, don’t expect it should.

Badge of Honor

I’ve been a bit worried because I’m about 245 lbs. and have difficulty getting down to my goal of 220. I’m coupling exercising, by walking daily, along with a reduction of food portions, limited snacking and a friend recommended colon cleansing as well as I drink a tea which helps with elimination. The weight isn’t coming off fast enough. I feel it when I walk, take stairs and overall lack of motivation is a problem for me.

Then I remembered when I was in my addiction. I remembered those nine weeks when I went from 185 to 135. FIFTY POUNDS were lost! I remember not eating any food for nine whole days. I couldn’t eat because I was constantly using. I took very little water during that time because my major focus was on using. I can remember not using the bathroom, either function, for several days because there was nothing to give. I didn’t sleep either. Yet, I live without any apparent damage. I suffer from low sugar and yet didn’t have any symptoms. Well, maybe because I was constantly in a high state I didn’t recognize when and if I did have symptoms, but the point was, I was just under the weight I was when I graduated high school.

Although I’m heavier, although not considered fat or obese by my friends, I’ve learned I should not worry. I’m healthier today because I don’t use drugs and IF I am carrying a bit of weight around my middle, I can wear it proudly because I remember the time when I couldn’t keep any weight at all, wrapping my belt around me after making additional holes. I’m not proud of my weight, but I’m not ashamed either. It’s the weight of sobriety.

The appearance and price of being healthy,

Is much more rewarding than the appearance and price of being addicted.

Urge verses Act

Perhaps the major difference between secular drug rehabilitation versus Christian is we are not as much concerned with the act as we are with the urge. NA/CA/AA teaches strongly we should not “pick up”. Their whole focus is about the “use” of the drug, whereas from a Christian point of view, once you even began to “lust” within your heart, the act has already been completed. Therefore, we must concentrate on the reason for the urge. Why is it we are desiring such a self-destructive drug? Why is it we want to use it and what benefit are we hoping to get from it? It is imperative, then, for us to recognize when the urge comes and not so much fight against the act. We can calculate, scheme, plan or take whatever steps we think will be beneficial to avoid the “act” but if we are not handling the “urge”, we are merely “dry drunks”, “dry addicts” and frustrated to no end. So, what is the point? If I am going to be miserable, I’d rather be miserable having completed the act than to struggle with the urge.

A doctor once told me having depression can be a good thing for it is telling our body, we are not content with what we are doing, where we are and if we listen to it, move to a different situation, we would be better off. I propose we should do the same whenever we get the “urge” and listen to our bodies, minds and the Spirit of God. There is something happening which is not good and it is a warning system provided for us to listen and learn and then make a move to better our lives. Do not concern yourself with the act. Concentrate more on the urge and make a positive step in correcting whatever “it” might be which will satisfy any symptomatic “act” which will follow. You see, without an urge there can be no act. It will not even be a thought!

“Be still and know I am God”, takes care of the act.

“As according to your faith, be ye healed”, takes care of the urge.

Just Getting Our Attention

I read something which got my attention. “Affliction is given to us to draw us closer to Him.” When affliction is given, it will be removed when its objective has been completed. But too often, I know in my case, I try to make things better by avoiding what I would consider uncomfortable. I manipulate, scheme, lie and cheat just in order to make my discomfort “seem” better, but more often then not, it’s just as frustrating and brings along another worry to concern me.

If God permits me to undergo this affliction, its true purpose is to draw me closer to Him. When this is achieved, then and only then might He remove the affliction and it’s on to something else. When we try and justify ourselves to our family and friends, in essence what we are doing is making it clear we are more just than God. Instead of seeking Him and the comfort He will give us, even in the midst of the trouble, I am saying and quite loudly, “I don’t trust You. You are not being fair to me. You don’t know what you are doing.”! Alarming? Yes, it is.

I used to wonder how when I would read historical references of how people sang as the fires kindled about them—literally, then why can’t I handle a little discomfort? Why do I let the urges of addiction bother me? Instead of focusing on the urge and how to relieve it, my attention should be on God because He’s using this affliction to draw me closer to Him and it is only in Him I will find the relief needed. So, less affliction, more attention. Less attention, more affliction. It’s your choice—for now.

What is often discomfort for the body,

Is food for the soul.

Eat well!

No Repentance – Just Praise

Today as I looked across the river, the river I had to cross where I know I was sure to find the drug of my choice, I sat on the bench and gave praise and thanks for not having made a failure of my sobriety. I was so grateful that instead of praying for repentance, I was giving praise for having listened to God’s Spirit providing the strength needed. Even as I looked, He protected me by not allowing me to see the evil which certainly was apparently “out there” in front of my eyes, to give me more time for introspection, that I might see the evil which continually lives within my heart.

I know, without a doubt, what He has given to me in the way of truth and overcoming addiction is true. I know I am healed. I know I am not an addict. I know I cannot ever, nor ever think I would be justified in returning to a life He has freed me. I also know “if” I should ever return it is not because what He has given me failed or He failed. It is because “I” failed to live up to His truth, its strength of keeping me from having returned. Oh, why do I dwell upon the hardship that is instead of the joy which should be? Human? Perhaps, but it is not an excuse.

I know without a doubt, the pain, the correction and chastisement I experience today is because He loves me. He cares so much for me He does keep me in line and I have to understand this is His way of loving me. I should not seek to stop it but to acknowledge it and accept it. He does not punish unfairly and when it has achieved its goal it will end and I can continue going forward without the discomfort I feel today. The key is “going forward”. Thankfully, today I pray a prayer of praise and so thankful it is not one of regret and repentance.

If you must pray,

Let the prayer be one of praise…

Not one of regret.

Go Get a Sandwich

Today was a difficult day. So in the midst of the struggle, I decided to go to the mall and have lunch. As I ate my sandwich I thought about those years I was not able to do such a simple thing as this, even to be able to go to the mall, on my own. To be surrounded with staff members or others of us in the ministry of recovery and many not having money, so we didn’t do those things, our outside exposure limited, our needs provided for.

Today, I have options. I can go back and return to the life which will prevent me from eating what I want, when I want and as often as I want or I can continue to enjoy a simple trip and sandwich whenever I desire. I like having money in my pocket, a job which puts it there and having a purpose every day when I awaken. I like this life I have now compared to the life I lived so why is it I struggle at times? It’s because I’m supposed to. I’ve suffered with an addiction for many years and just because I don’t use for many years doesn’t mean the thoughts won’t come. The difference, this time, is I don’t have to act upon those thoughts. I remember the good as well as the bad, being honest with my own feelings.

It’s not about whether I have legal dealings and my probation officer might stop by. Many of us know during an addictive lifestyle, that’s not really a consideration when we want to use. We’ll figure a way to beat the system or just accept the consequence. It’s not about losing a job. I’ve done that many times before and always bounced back. So, what is it really about? It’s about “freedom”.

I think I’ll have another sandwich!

It is those simple things of life which are most pleasurable.

Why do we wish to throw them away?

Why?

Most secular programs would have you think the only goal in life is to “not pick up” for today. Good goal, but there is sooo much more to it than this. A child when growing is so inquisitive they will answer your statements by asking “Why”. We need to do the same. Perhaps this is what Christ meant when he told His disciples we must become as little children to enter in His Kingdom. Children want to learn the reasons “why” things are the way they are. We, too, should be asking the same question “why” we do the things we are doing. It doesn’t matter if you have an urge to pick-up. Just know the reason why. Continue asking this question until it is revealed to you the root of the problem.

Doing drugs is systematic of a deeper problem. Drugs make us feel good. So the question remains, “What is making us feel bad which needs to be replaced by a ‘synthetic’ feel-good way”? When we understand why it is we do the things we do, then and only then will the symptoms go away because we are addressing the real problem. Drugs IS NOT the real problem. Drugs are symptomatic of the real problem.

This concept of “not picking up for today” should not be our goal. Our goal not only for today, but for the remainder of days we have should be making it into the Kingdom, to be saved. Let this be our focus and not the addiction.

We spend too much time and effort putting out the fires,

And never once get close to the source.

The Bridge of Health

I was so determined, now, to go to the place where I first picked up my drug and as soon as I arrived home, I changed out of my office suit, put on my work-out gym clothes and headed for the bridge. At first it was a bit painful and my back hurt but the more I persisted the better it got. Soon I was on the other side. There were people passing me as they jogged, even some passing me twice, but I continued working towards the high I have heard many times before. Exercising.

I made it. Along the way I was grateful I made up my mind the previous weekend to not succumb to the failure of relapse. I had motivation, I was energetic, I was overweight and needed to move in another direction to better myself. When I arrived home, I was grateful for my accomplishment, making plans to cross that bridge—daily, as long as the weather agreed. If walking five miles per week got me down to a nice weight two years ago, what would twenty eight miles do? Sure, I could have picked-up and loss ten, fifteen pounds in a weekend using drugs, but I wasn’t willing to pay the price; and by the middle of the week, when I could begin eating again, the pounds would have rushed back to replace the pounds lost in the chemically induced way.

You have heard the joke about the “stem-fast” diet. I just wasn’t willing to utilize that method anymore. Sure, it just so happens the bridge I would need to take would bring me closer to that part of my life again, but I chose to use the bridge to take me to a better part, a healthier, more alive, more promising and joyful way of losing weight. It’s the same bridge, it’s just the purpose that’s changed.

Give up those habits which will change you life,

For a change which bring better habits.

A Hot Shot

She was the first person I met when I moved into my home. She was pleasant, beautiful in a way if time was spent in fixing herself up. She had glasses and carried a book. The way she carried herself also bespoke of a life of hardship. Maybe, she, too was on her way back from hell, to begin again, as perhaps we all were, for it was a house of beginning. A transient place where you would come because the rent was right, close to public transportation and shopping was only a twenty minute walk, on a good day.

Beth had her problems. There were rumors about what she was and what she will do if you had a couple of dollars, but Beth was only doing what any of us have done who have lived life close to the edge. There would be times when a slip would occur. I, for one, would not hold it against her. I would always speak to her, smile at her, hoped for a conversation which never came.

One day I passed her room and the door was opened. I saw a man packing her things. Beth’s body was found in a drug area. In fact, the same place where I used to use. Someone had given her something she thought was what she needed. It was a high she never thought she would ever attain, and she’s not coming back. The man gathering her things was her father. He was on his knees putting her belongings into boxes. I wonder how many times he was on his knees talking about her to God. Later, I learned I worked with her uncle. Small world. I never shot heroin but was tempted to try. I considered shooting cocaine but it was the fear of needles which kept me from it. I think fear is good here. My true goal is to be a “hot shot” for Christ now.

In our sinful lives, at every sinful moment,

We are taking chances of putting within ourselves…

The sin of others. Who can know what it is?

Who Else is Involved?

I was given insight as to why it was imperative for me to stop using drugs: I was hurting so many people. Consider this, because the bulk of my addiction was not spent in the pursuit of drugs—daily, therefore I would not know where to always purchase my drug. So, I relied on others. I never trusted guys and looked for women because, for sure, they were stopped many times by others like me and often shared in its usage. Unlike many, I’m sure, who abused these women for the sake of drugs, I merely needed their information and if I had enough I would invite them to share a hotel room with me. I can honestly say NEVER has any woman ever had sex with me due to drugs.

What I was shown was how many women decided, that day, to stop using and because I came around kept them in the life, if not for another day, or month or maybe additional years because I was the catalyst which changed their mind. How many homes remain broken because of me? How many children went unfed, because of me? How many women who left using with me and because the thirst of the drug now flowing fresh in their veins put them in the company of the next man WHO DID abuse them? How many women died because of me, keeping them out there for just one more time? How many died? How many would be lost—eternally because of me?

The life of drug addiction is an awful one because it is not one which just involved us. So many other people are caught up in it, and many of them are innocent.

There is an awesome responsibility we share while using drugs,

Because we do not think of the harm others are undergoing.